Lietuvaite

I never thought i'd update here again, never say never. Life has been fantastic - exhausting but exhilarating. I love my jobs, studying for the DAT (as much as i complain about it, i wouldn't have it any other way), talking to Tina on weekend mornings through my computer, thinking about upcoming trips and life pre, during and post dental school is just making life seem very alive and giving me countless things to look forward to while I enjoy current life now. I've met some really amazing people and enjoyed my weekend dinner parties which will hopefully give way to spring time picnics. I've met a very nice post-doc from Amsterdam the other day and it reassured me that I want to stay in school - forever. And while Columbus' biggest downfall is the lack of lithuanians everyday it keeps seeming like the place i want to be in for the next few years given that I may be surrounded by some of my favorite people here. Oh the things we could do, the number of homeless we could feed :) It also might mean the number of megabus trips to chicago may have to increase but that's alright with me.

Hmm so other big developments:

1. I got a great deal on my first formal suit ! Now I just have to get dental school interviews to wear it :)
2. I will be moving out of my 3 year apartment before June and have no idea where I will live when i return.
3. I will be in europe for my longest trip since I lived there when I was 3.
4. I have an entire year to relax and work and enjoy things and do whatever I please - which sounds very exciting to me now even though i dreaded it before.

ciao

This is the end of livejournal for me. At least for now.

The journey of a thousand miles really does begin with a single step. I begin my new journey with kindness.

Life is splendid.

We surprised my little old lady by taking her to the "beauty shop" (as she called it) to get her hair cut. She looked great for being 99 years old! I'm really going to miss her when I'm back in Columbus. But I promised her a visit.

I've had my fair share of pleasurable visits to the dentist ! It's great when you're not the one in the chair. Each patient has tried to talk me out of going into dentistry. Each time they meet me they give me a funny look and say "are you sure you really want to do this? and why do you guys like causing other people pain!" But it has yet to scare me away. I've watched a handfull of fillings and haven't been bored yet. The flexibility, artistry, and medical part of the job really appeal to me. The dentists I have observed are true artists - cutting and drilling and then filling and shaping teeth to look better than they ever did before. So I'm happy and relieved to know what I'm doing. Next comes exams, applications, and hopefully a job as a dental assistant during my year off where I will ironically be back in Cleveland.

I've scheduled a Yoga: theory and practice class into my schedule and I'm really excited. I also have found a map of the world which I like to take out and stare at while planning a route from Spain to Croatia and then north up to Lithuanian trying to pass through Prague, Vienna, Warsaw and any other beautiful and adventurous location along the way. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this trip work yet but I know that I will.

My dearest Tina is leaving me for Spain and I'm soo excited for her !

I'm crossing my fingers for a tutoring job. I have an interview next week - I really need to brush up on my Ochem and Biochem. I have a head full of ideas and I can't wait to get started on a few of them. Most of which involve people I haven't seen in months (crazy) and Columbus. I'm excited to get back.

Life is good (make that great!)

My trip was wonderful and much needed beyond belief. Mina and Laura were great hosts and I have regained a sense of perspective. What in the world have I been thinking the past few years? Really, Really, Really? That's what had been going through my head once I had a newer/clearer vision of the past. We got a chance to visit a farmer's market after church on Sunday and it brightened our day. Some flowers and fresh veggies along with nice farmers and samples completely made the day. I feel a similar thing when I'm around Egyptians that I do when I'm around Lithuanians - motivated and excited about life. People all around are stretching limits, working hard, doing wonderful things, being creative, and just nice. It's really refreshing. As different as Lithuania and Egypt are from one another in climate, traditions, and looks we somehow were all brought up very similarly. It made me happy.

In other news I have begun narrowing down potential futures and am spending the next two weeks at the dentist's office. When I talked to a family friend about his job he sounded really excited to share his experiences with me. I think it's rare to find people who are very excited about their jobs and who try to sway you towards them rather than away from them. I can't wait to hear what he has to say and see for myself the inner workings.

Small things pile up sometimes and weigh me down but overall I'm very happy and optimistic about the future - and I can't believe I had been looking at things through such opaque glasses.

My old lady also makes me happy, she's been very sad about my leaving but I think she'll be overjoyed to hear the good news that I will be staying longer than expected.

If I had a time machine I'd go backwards to 4 years ago and start over. Often I feel like the last 3 years were a complete failure. Of course there are pros and cons of how things turned out but right at this moment I hate the way I shaped those past years. And it frustrates me that I can't get them back. In some ways I feel like my personality even regressed in those three years. I swear I was much more outgoing, positive, and confident back when. I just don't know how to make up for it. I don't always feel like this, sometimes I actually think I made the right decisions back then and feel like I should be happy with how things worked out. I feel like an artist with a deadline and no ideas or anywhere to start. And while in reality there is no deadline as to when I have to decide, when I have to act etc. I feel like the deadline is way past and I'm stressing out about how to fix it all. I constantly feel like timing isn't right, places aren't right, I feel incredibly out of place. I would like something to work towards, some feeling of security, a place to call my own, and someone to cuddle with. Currently I have 0 of the aforementioned things and it makes me feel panicky and restless.

Not everything is that negative I promise. My trip to Chicago with Tina was a wonderful getaway from everyday life. Vija was kind enough to let us stay with her and was the best hostess I have ever had. I saw many old friends, had a beautiful dinner with great conversations, a refreshing swim and sauna filled morning and nice strolls through town. Also, the University of Chicago lives up to its name/price and has a great collegiate feel. The campus is full of old gothic buildings covered in ivy and flowering courtyards with swings and benches. I'm a girl of extremes - I love the big city or the country. I've always said I want to walk out my front door and into new york or chicago and my backdoor to the mountains and sea. wishful thinking.

Besides the occasional restless freak out life is good. But there's always room for improvement. later days.

Things are standard around here. I've been enjoying many nice walks to parks/lake and yoga sessions with my mom. In addition to those lovely activities I have been busying myself with arts and crafts with 2 & 5 year olds and still nodding and smiling for three hours a day at the depressed 99 year old lady. I even have my blueberry picking count up to 2 so far this year and I'm hoping to go for an olympic record breaking round #3 of speed blueberry picking.

In old news my head is still racing with what to do and deadlines are nearing everyday. A decision must be made... I'm scared. This weeks list of potential futures includes (in no particular order... and is not limited to)

a. Physical Therapy
b. Physicians Assistant
c. M.D. - internal medicine
d. Dentist
e. montessori teacher/alternative education
f. math/science education
g. speech therapy
h. public health - global/community/health education/environmental - too many choices.

I hate choices. I know that whatever I pick doesn't have to be set in stone but I hate the idea of investing so much in something only to do it for a few years and then move on. It's sort of like a divorce. I don't want to divorce my career.

But let's not dwell on that slightly incomplete aspect of my life right now and move on to better and brighter things. I found my gymnastics grips that I lost 1.5 years ago! It was a most exciting and memorable day to put those chalky smelly grips back on that still fit perfectly. In fact so memorable that it even initiated a possible mini reunion of gymnasts this wednesday when we shall try to wake up those rusty and creaky bones of ours in attempts at fliping and twisting and trying silly inexperienced stunt tricks. Also, I shall be in town for a few weeks longer which will always mean there is plenty of quality time to go around.

Enjoy the end of summer :)

Lithuanian camp was wonderful, there are never enough english nor lithuanian words to give justice to it so we'll leave it at that. I did learn that I don't want to be stuck in this roundabout forever and so decisions are in the process of being made. There is an entire world out there full of people and experiences and life and I want to be a part of it. As much as I love home, more so now than before, I've exhausted the majority of things here.

I've been picking up small gigs here and there to make some cash. Very limited cash but more than nothing. I might start keeping a 99 year old lady company for a few hours in the afternoons.... i'm going to meet her today... this shall be interesting. Perhaps if it goes over well I'll look into the expanding field of geriatrics.... doubtful.

There seems to be a little voice in my head still nagging and reminding me about the idea of medical school. It's easy to regret not going to medical school but is it possible to regret going? Same old, same old.

I know what I want and need... it's just a matter of stumbling upon people who appreciate life. There seems to be a shortage sometimes.

Long night.

French tea and honey. A lot of company and quality time. Ignoring the fact that the days as we knew them will be far and few in the future or even non existent. Good food and picnics. Packing and loading up the car in a strategic tetris-like manner. Goodbye cards and teary eyes.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Or why it made my pillow wet and my eyes open many hours too early. I just hope that this feeling is misleading or mistaken.

I'm tired of being rootless - i've been a traveler or on vacation since I was 3. I need a home soon. 6 + billion and growing and with each new person added the loneliness just grows. I'm sick of the me me me attitude. My life, my job, my education, my house, my car, my family, my my my. People need to learn how to become less independent and to work together - help each other, listen, talk, give advice, take advice, enjoy life together.

love is a dress that you made long to hide your knees...

There is little that gives me as much pleasure as food does. Its smell, color, taste, and composition can bring back memories, conjure up images of places and people as vivid as reality. Food has the capability of taking me back to multiple places at once. Sort of like time travel, but you visit multiple destinations all at one time. Genius. This morning I had the most fattening yogurt ever (spelled yogourt on the can). It was thick and creamy and tasted like europe in my mouth. I also had some fresh local strawberries that made me feel like I was back in my aunt's garden in mid/end of June. Lunch also took me back to lithuania but in addition to that I went back to my childhood. Everything except my black Lithuanian bread was grown within 50 miles of Columbus but eating it took me miles and years away. The best parts were the home grown tomatoes and green onion. I even ate an extra "leaf" of green onion after my sandwich just dipping it into salt and munching on some scraps of black bread. My mom used to eat green onion or garlic by just dipping it into some salt when I was younger. And then I ate even more strawberries just savoring their multiple layers of flavor. At first it's just bland, but then you bite into it and all the flavor comes rushing at you. I once described watermelon as a salt-less ocean in your mouth. Strawberries are no swim in the ocean but they sure are full of waves of flavors. They're one of the first fruits that ripen at this latitude and mark the beginning of a wonderful summer season filled with tasty goods from the garden. Plus who can resist their brilliant red color?! Lastly, the strangest experience is when you eat a certain food and it fills you with emotion. The exact kind of feeling you had when you first ate it. For example, whenever I eat figs (even dried ones, or fig preserves) I don't only remember Croatia but I feel exactly the same way as I did when I was there biting into a fresh fig for the first time. Mmmm... what to have for dinner? Do I want to go back to spain or lithuania? Or perhaps cleveland or a time when I was 5?

hope you've been enjoying summer's bounty... and it's only the begining.

"You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed"

- Regina Spektor

Someone just recently pointed out those lyrics, I really like them.

In other news the summer is upon us. Also, summer solstice is tomorrow and I'm not sure how i'll celebrate but it is one of my top 5 favorite days. Thanks to this internship I will be up to see the sunrise, however, the sunset in Columbus doesn't quite live up to ones in Cleveland.

I had a wonderful week or so right after finals were over. My trip to chicago was great, saw many familiar and old faces. Home is home and when it includes several early morning breakfasts with my favorite people that is enough to make me smile inside and out. It also brings sad feelings/thoughts for the upcoming fall because 2 of my favorite people are leaving me but I'm not going to fret about it yet. And lastly, New York City was a wonderful experience and quite breathtaking. I was definitely impressed. And I had the best tour guide/companion around so what more could I ask for?!

It's only been day 2 this week of the summer internship and it's beating me to a pulp. I'm wondering if i'll be getting used to this or if I will continue to feel like this for a while. Either way I have raged war against mosquitos and bugs - they seem to be winning. Anyways, I'm sure if you've talked to me you know how I feel about this. But it's paying my rent for the summer so i'll take what I can get and complain about the rest. Bummer.

Alright, well it's almost my bed time.

Happy early summer solstice !

what will you choose for to share?"

I don't even recall the last real time I updated with anything, and I'm not promising anything this time either. I've tried on several occasions but failed miserably at putting life into words lately. Life has been changing at a rapid pace here. I suppose the words "you never know" fit my current (or well I'd like to think of it as past now) life well. I've had a crazy week or two filled with unexpected surprises which were terrible, bad, great and wonderful. I suppose you can say don't count your chickens before they hatch, but i'd tack on a don't count them till they've fledged and survived into adult hood. Well anyways, my summer plans are slowly laying themselves out quite nicely. So far I have Chicago, New York, Dainava, Detroit, and potentially southern ohio lined up on my list. Of course I can't forget cleveland :) Over the past few weeks i've also been realizing that I don't give ohio enough credit sometimes. . . we have bald eagles, coyotes, great horned owls, and we are breeding grounds/stop over site to some of the largest numbers of migrant birds in north america. I've been on a bird kick, if you can't tell. Although because I don't have an obsessive compulsive disorder I haven't yet made a list of birds seen on telephone wires, on tv, by county etc. I have a summer job ... which is pretty close to my dream job ... learning/being outside 40 hrs/week. I guess I don't have much to say. Life is good, sometimes great, and it has its downs but I'm ok.

later gator.

p.s. if anyone has any creative ideas for a "nature" lesson plan for any age group from 7-14 boys/girls send them my way please :)

Things are moving along and now when I have a split moment to breathe and look back I find myself surprisingly content. I have an honors thesis to work on, birds to watch and a handful of awesome people I have been working with on this. In other news I have been enlightened by the Dalai Lama, motivated by old v.p. Al Gore's speech, and looking forward to hearing an Irish tune. I've also been meeting and working with many people who are doing and living their lives in a way similar to what I hope my own to be like in the future but have always been scared it might not be possible. But it is! You can be in academia and have a life/family and still bike to work everyday (haha). I have no idea what my plans are but I'm learning to be flexible :)

cheers!
~m

I banded a carolina chickadee this weekend... it was magical.


life is always interesting over here. so many thoughts, people, places to see.

i'm late to class. bye

Kas po pusnimis gyvena
per vidurziemius gilius?
Kas ugnele ten kurena?
Kas atsildo daigelius?

Kas upeli begt paleidzia
Nuo kalnelio, nuo stataus?
Kas zibutes zieda skleidzia
Po pavasario letaus?

Kas tave anskti prikele
susitikti su diena?
-Tai zemele zemynele,
Motinele amzina.

-Jonas Strielkunas

Here I am sitting in this tiny room cleaning out the drawers while bawling my eyes out. I found a tiny sandwich bag that housed all these old letters. Most of them have marks of smeared ink where tear drops had fallen. I can't tell if they were tear drops from the person writing them or reading them - probably both. They were all from our neighbor, a girl who used to baby sit me or just come over and play. They're filled with comments about how much everyone is waiting for us to return, they're counting down the days. Some of the older folk don't think they'll await our return, but others were still hopeful. I wonder when they figured out we weren't returning any time soon. I'm often called the "circus girl" in the letters, I wonder what I was like back then. I know I had a thing for blatant or often inappropriate comments and remarks. I've mentioned this one multiple times - "Mildute, What are you going to do in america?" and my 3 year old self replies, "a bunch of crap or nothing". Also I guess we had called my aunt over the first holiday that we had spent here and all I did was cry into the phone that I wanted to go "home". Reading these old letters is like putting together pieces of a puzzle. Eglute, my babysitter, had "taught" me a lot or at least ingrained in me some of the qualities I feel like I have now. My first number I could write and spell was "five" and my mom had written to Eglute wondering why. She said that she had explained to me that "5" was the best grade you could get and it stuck with me. She also mentions that I was obsessed with looking at her "gradebook" and asking what all the numbers were and I'd browse through her school notebooks as if I actually had any clue as to what I was looking at. I have no idea who I would be had we not left, and of course there are people I have met here or experiences that I've had that I'd be reluctant to give up for a life I didn't have. But it still makes me wonder. Familiarity, family and friends keep me here most of the time, but I have no doubt that something over there is tugging at my heart strings an awful lot. I started bawling when I read these letters that were written before my sister was born and while we were still planning on returning. But a huge problem is that I'm in love with the idealized version of my country, the birch trees you read about in poems and the storks that I sang about as a kid. Of course there are economic problems, violence and drugs. Oh and the health care system sucks. But then again how is that any different from here? Well it's not like i'm planning a permanent return any time soon or perhaps even ever but it would be nice to be able to visit more often than now. Just had to get that off my chest.

I'm back in Cleveland, and this time with no anxieties or frustrations. The bus ride was rather pleasant and not at all crowded so I got to stretch out across two seats and take a nap. In other news, I'm teaching "nature" to little kids at lithuanian camp. I'm so excited I already have plans of making sun tea and identifying birds and all that other fun stuff such as edible plants and cute little critters that crawl. Most of these kids have more guts than I do and daringly leap into a patch of muddy tall grass to catch a frog they spotted. So I have no doubt that they will all be more than cooperative (Except maybe the 13/14 year olds who all think they're too old for this stuff but still come anyways). Otherwise life is busy but good. A lot of "meetings" and preliminary work is being done for my hopefully ideal summer in Columbus. I'm crossing my fingers and hope that I end up getting paid to sit in coffee shops and parks working on a thesis and on all those sunny days i'll be out frolicking through the woods catching birds and all that jazz. Well my coffee is getting cold and I have a long day ahead. Appointments and doctors and then all the people I want to see :)

later days.

There's not much to say ...
I have enjoyed this trip home more than all previous ones I can remember since I've started school. I saw a few friends, had another Tommy's milkshake (mmmm...), and saw a few movies. Just an overall good time that has left me smiley (is that even a word?).

Maybe I'll have something to say next time. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

So let's see here...

I had a wonderful milk shake at Tommy's the other day and a nice new thing called people around which was wonderful. What else? oh yea... I baked mushroom shaped cookies for ~4 hours while listening to the Beatles with my mum. And today I mingled around with Lithuanians at the Kaziuko Muge and ate some vegetarian potato kugel (delicious). The dynamics of these events are really rather interesting. First you walk into a crowd of a lot of people and start looking around for the ones you want to talk to and then the ones you have to talk to and lastly the ones you should talk to. You smile and nod a lot and ask how are you? then proceed to walk on by. The conversations that take place involve a wide variety of things from:
1. How's school.
2. Did you hear what happened to (insert name here)?
3. So and so just had a baby.
4. So and so is engaged to (insert name here).
5. My how you have grown (even though i've been the same height since 8th grade),and where did your hair go?

Anyways, I still greatly enjoy the interactions. I repeat what i'm studying to the same person several times a year and they all comment on my hair cut even though they had already commented on it in Oct. and then again in Dec. over Christmas. You never finish a full conversation and while you're in the middle of one you get tapped on the shoulder and start a new one and then you've lost the person you were talking to previously and so the afternoon passes.

There are a few things I miss about Cleveland, and many things that allow me to look back on it fondly.

so far so good.

somewhat a loose translation but it works...

"What scents abound! Pine resin fills the air.
The scent of flowers gentle breezes bear.
In clearings white-red clover, camomile
And thyme with fragrance rare your nose beguile.
The presence of an anthill you can tell.
Leaf, needle, pine-cone have a different smell
Each time you pass. A breeze however slight
Will bring new scents each time for your delight.
Here's aromatic cranberry and moss.
Here orchard-blossom scents you come across.
The forest like a living creature breathes:
The nearby field and meadowland it wreathes
In fragrance, while among its pines in turn
The scents of field and meadow you discern.
All mingle in the air, so thick they come
Your nose cannot distinguish every one.
It is as if wood, meadow, field combine
Their richest scents to make a perfume fine

...

There was a time, a time when beauteous calm
The forest breathed, our hearts to soothe and charm.
For Lithuanians relish calm and ease
As lush grass relishes a gentle breeze
That stirs dark ripples as it passes by:
We often weep in woods, not knowing why.
For it is there we feel a pain is eased,
The heart soothed and anxiety appeased;
Warm tears born of a sentiment unique
Come rolling then like pearl dew down the cheek.
Long afterwards our lungs breathe the forest air,
Our breast as gently stirs as pines do there.
Such deep tranquility pervades the soul
It bows as wheatears do when ripe and whole.
This is the source from which our tears and sighs,
Our solace and our poetry arise."


I'm sick of winter not because I don't like cold weather or gray skies, but because I am sick of sitting enclosed in 4 wall rooms staring at a bunch of fossil fuel derived plastic junk that clutters the world. I crave open sky, green grass, and a shady spot under a tree under which to lay. I feel trapped in these cities that tailor to plastic rectangular boxes on wheels and the economy but not the people that live in them. It's dehumanizing in a way. That's not to say that I want to go live in isolation somewhere in the middle of the woods under a tarp and eat wild fruits, although it would be a nice change of pace for a day or two. I just need something more visually stimulating than boxes and concrete... boxed houses, boxed food, boxed entertainment, boxed everything. It's hard for me to comprehend how so many people can be content with this. I feel like they haven't been exposed to anything different and are so often discouraged not to by being fed this idea that their country is better than any other so that they wouldn't want anything different. so that contractors could continue on selling overprice aesthetically displeasing "houses" to people that never become "homes" at a low cost to them. And from one house you move on to the next, each one bigger than the next and with each bigger house comes a greater disappointment and void that people go on to try to fill with bigger cars and pay checks and stuff. And still at the end of the day they're disappointed and they find things like eating disorders, and depressions, and poor childhoods to blame their discontent onto. And then they eventually go on to see a "doctor" who prescribes overpriced, often unnecessary, prescriptions and you live happily ever after until the next diagnosis. Perhaps all we need is a change of pace, a change of scenery and a change of lifestyle. But to each his own so you take your medication and I'll use my form of treatment and I'll meet you at the finish line. Some get by with alcohol and drugs, other by God and faith, prescriptions and big cars, and others by an escape to the woods ... what makes one way better than the next?

just ranting. thanks for listening.

i'm off for a stroll to the lake.

later days.

"I have been blessed with friends who do things rather than buy things: friends who will change books at the library, take a bag of your old clothes to a thrift store, bring you cuttings and plant them in a window box, fill the bird feeder in your garden when you can't get out.

What do I do for friends?

Not enough, but I can help them write difficult letters because I know writing should always be shorter rather than longer and clearer rather than more complicated. I make lists of good DVDs to rent so they wont be perplexed at the store. I take great pictures of them at happy times and send them copies, and I show them how to construct a family tree, which they always end up loving.

Never mind the money, the gifts of time and skill call into being the richest marketplace in the world."

Maeve Binchy